Blowjob etiquette
(for men, as told by a woman)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is
not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do
you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to
fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -
get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so
no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just
because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high
school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave
me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games
immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like
my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the
moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2
about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care
about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't
get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is
inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I
have to "kiss it good morning".
