WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening (The Simpsons' originator)
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a
relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble
letting
go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night,
he
will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total
floozy.
But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is
known as the "I Hate You
I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of
all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges
that
offer
courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to his place or hers as part of
the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball
cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why
high
school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines often feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy
and
hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on
at
the
sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from
women.
BATHROOMS:
A man has
six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor,
a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would
not
be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By
the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car
on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to
the
10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking,
men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes
and dreams. A man is
vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will
dress
up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out
of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and
take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated
by
re-runs of old American sitcoms.
EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out
come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction-he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at
the
health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men
never grow out of their obsession
with
toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and
silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's.
Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything
that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about
money, they don't know football nearly
as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never
lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because a man has produced every movie in the history of
movies.
Men will only show their asses, because ass size doesn't really
matter.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
like
a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game
just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting timeouts,
commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men
on a boy's
night
out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the
Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
as
social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each
other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together
like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was
just about to take a
leak. Do you want to join me?"
