A Blonde Earning Extra Cash
By: luvly1	Published: 06/16/2005
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." Why not join the rest of us on the inside and get all of Goofball.com?
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Monday's bonus joke #2 (2 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.11.2005 9:38:45 AM EST) Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch. Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated,"If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed; da government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month); the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "Which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?"

Monday's Bonus Joke (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.11.2005 9:29:57 AM EST) The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar. The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep" The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

Day 25 - I'm gonna get tired of thi (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.11.2005 9:27:02 AM EST) Malcom walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at Malcom and says" Have you seen Eileen?" Malcom is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?" The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt." Well Malcom was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt. So Malcom goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen." Malcom asks" Eileen who?

Day 24 - I told you I had lots of jokes (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (07.10.2005 9:32:24 AM EST) Robnoxious walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Day 23 - jokeless (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.09.2005 8:35:31 AM EST) There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

Day 22 (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.08.2005 10:57:42 AM EST) TJ and Abby were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. TJ said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," Abby countered. "Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

Day 20 (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.06.2005 7:37:29 AM EST) I'm not out of jokes, but my spirit has been broken. Say good night Gracie,,,,,

I've got one more (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.05.2005 3:43:06 PM EST) Little Johnny asked his Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- thats all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

Day 19 - my last joke (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.05.2005 1:06:41 PM EST) Roger walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist, Peggy Sue asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," Roger replied. Peggy Sue became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." Roger walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. Peggy Sue smiled smugly and asked "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," Roger stated. Peggy Sue nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?" "I can't piss out of it," Roger replied.

Day 18 - No new joke in sight (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.04.2005 10:25:14 AM EST) Happy 4th of July everyone. GP

Day 17 - I'm runnin' out of jokes (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.03.2005 1:47:34 PM EST) Cowetta Guard and Roger were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. C G won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Roger won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Roger asked CG how he liked his prize, to which CG replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Roger, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to usin' paper."

Day 16 - No hope in site (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.02.2005 8:18:26 AM EST) At Roger’s 4th of July’s family Bar-B-Que, Roger pulled his grandson aside to have a little heart to heart talk, "It's time we had a little Grandfather to Grandson talk, Junior. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." Roger added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."

Okay here's Friday's joke (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.01.2005 7:58:05 AM EST) Harry and his wife invited Roger and his wife over for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, Roger asked their son Gaylord what they were having. "Goat," Gaylord replied. "Goat?" replied the startled Roger. "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

Day 15 - "Latest Joke" held hostage (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (07.01.2005 7:51:31 AM EST) It is the 4th of July Weekend you know, so here's a letter I got about Ann Margret. This is a good counter balance story to the Jane Fonda/Vietnam/ Woman Of The Year story I have received many times in my e-mail. Richard, (my husband), never really talked a lot about his time in Viet Nam other than he had been shot by a sniper. However, he had a rather grainy, 8 x 10 black and white photo he had taken at a USO show of Ann Margret with Bob Hope in the background that was one of his treasures. A few years ago, Ann Margret was doing a book signing at a local bookstore. Richard wanted to see if he could get her to sign the treasured photo so he arrived at the bookstore at 12 o'clock for the 7:30 signing. When I got there after work, the line went all the way around the bookstore, circled the parking lot and disappeared behind a parking garage. Before her appearance, bookstore employees announced that she would sign only her book and no memorabilia would be permitted. Richard was disappointed, but wanted to show her the photo and let her know how much those shows meant to lonely GI's so far from home. Ann Margret came out looking as beautiful as ever and, as second in line, it was soon Richard's turn. He presented the book for her signature and then took out the photo. When he did, there were many shouts from the employees that she would not sign it. Richard said, "I understand. I just wanted her to see it." She took one look at the photo, tears welled up in her eyes and she said, "This is one of my gentlemen from Viet Nam and I most certainly will sign his photo. I know what these men did for their country and I always have time for 'my gentlemen.'" With that, she pulled Richard across the table and planted a big kiss on him. She then made quite a to-do about the bravery of the young men she met over the years, how much she admired them, and how much she appreciated them There weren't too many dry eyes among those close enough to hear. She then posed for pictures and acted as if he were the only one there. Later at dinner, Richard was very quiet. When I asked if he'd like to talk about it, my big strong husband broke down in tears. "That's the first time anyone ever thanked me for my time in the Army," he said. That night was a turning point for him. He walked a little straighter and, for the first time in years, was proud to have been a Vet. I'll never forget Ann Margret for her graciousness and how much that small act of kindness meant to my husband.

Day 14 - "Latest Joke" held hostage (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (06.30.2005 8:52:46 AM EST) To offset Micheal Jackson’s extremely high legal bills, he has found a new way to generate income. He is going to turn Nevrland Ranch into a state affiliated college. The new name for Neverland Ranch will be: “Bring ‘em Young University”.

Wednesday's joke 5/29 (3 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.29.2005 7:26:58 AM EST) When Roger was a little boy in school, a teacher notices that Roger at the back of the class squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. I thought I told you to call your mom, she says. I did, Roger says, and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

I have time for another one (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (06.28.2005 9:29:54 AM EST) Meesha came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Mark proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway Meesha. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Today's joke (Tuesday) (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (06.28.2005 8:02:41 AM EST) Harry goes into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey and drinks them all one after another. The bartender asks, "Hey Harry, why are you drinking so heavy?" "I just found out my brother is gay" Harry replied. The next day Harry walks into the bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey and drinks them one after another. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so heavy tonight?" Harry replies, "I just found out my other brother is gay." The following night Harry comes into the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey and drinks them all one after another. The bartender says, "Damn, doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?" Harry replies, "Yeah, my sister."

Much like sex with TJ (2 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.27.2005 7:59:01 AM EST) here's a short one: Obi Wan was on a date with Gurley. They had returned to her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out. Nibbling her earlobe, Obi whispered, "You know, I'd like a little pussy." Gurley said, "Oh, me too, mine's as big as a house."

Sunday's Joke (4 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.26.2005 10:14:32 AM EST) Harry Monk Bubble was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. Just as The Critic was walking by the hospital, when the sheets landed on him. Critic started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As Critic stood there, staring down at the sheets, TJ the hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?" Critic, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Friday's Joke/Slam (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.24.2005 9:40:32 AM EST) Meesha noticed that her son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, she asked Mark to do something about it. Have a talk with the young lad. So Mark said to his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." To which the son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States." “MEESHA!!!!”

Today's joke starring Cowetta Guard (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.23.2005 9:09:54 AM EST) Cowetta Guard's four-year old son came home from Sunday school. When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?" Cowetta Guard laughed and told him the term was "circumcised". But then his wife spoke up that the answer was still yes, no matter how you pronounce it.

Todays joke staring TJ and J9 (3 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.22.2005 7:49:56 AM EST) To prepare for his big date, TJ went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, TJ fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburned on his 'tool'. Being very determined TJ decided not to miss his date because it was with the hot J9. So he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. J9 showed up for the date at his apartment and TJ treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, the sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. Critic had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. (I'm not sure why it was a tall glass, hell it could have been a saucer) He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief. J9 however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his 'Johnson' immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of understanding J9 exclaimed, "So THAT'S how you load those things!"

My slam for the day (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (06.21.2005 9:17:03 AM EST) When Harry was a young teenager one day his mom was cleaning Harry's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until Harry’s father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Tuesday's joke on 6/21/05 (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.21.2005 7:55:38 AM EST) Late one night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender. The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the bartender asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps. "Tell you what," says the bartender, "You watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place." "Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody." So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife." "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..." "Neither did I, till you switched on that damned light."

The joke for Monady 6 / 20 / 05 (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.20.2005 11:22:02 AM EST) Harry was completely inebriated was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You are obviously drunk." Harry (our wasted friend) asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, Harry said, "Thank goodness, there for a second I thought I was a cripple."

Today's joke 6 / 18 / 05 (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (06.18.2005 8:04:25 AM EST) Critic and Harry are on an airplane. TJ the Captain introduces himself, Hello my name is Captain TJ and I am your pilot. He goes through all the safety procedures and then tells them about the plane and how long the flight will take. He says, the plane is a 747 and the flight will take around 4 hours. 10 minutes into the flight they hear a loud noise. TJ the captain says, "Please do not worry we lost one engine, but we still have 3 left, its just that the trip will take 45 minutes longer." 10 minutes later they hear another loud noise, and again TJ the captain makes an announcement not to worry that they lost a second engine but they still have 2 engines left, its just that the trip will now take 2 hours longer. Critic and Harry are starting to get a little nervous at this time. 10 minutes after that, again, they hear another loud noise, and TJ the captain makes another announcement not to worry they lost another engine, but still have "One Engine Left", but the trip will now be delayed by 4 hours. Critic looks over to his friend Harry and says, "Shit, if we loose that last engine we are going to be up hear all fucking day." I wonder if J9 and Miss PK are the Stewardess?

Today's joke 6 / 17 / 05 (2 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.17.2005 9:24:40 AM EST) A sistah’s husband dies. He had $30,000 in the bank and after everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend axe, “How can dat be?” The sista say, “Well the funeral cost me $6,500 and of course I made a donation to the church. Dat was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, ya know….The rest went for the memorial stone.” “The rest went for a memorial stone?” The friend axed, “$22,500 for the memorial stone? My god, how big is it?” The sista held out her hand exposing a ring on her finger and say, THREE CARATS”.

It's a funny joke (0 replies) started by thegrandpatron (06.16.2005 9:25:43 AM EST) and the first time I heard it I never saw the punch line coming either.

LMAO!! (0 replies)   started by tjshere (06.16.2005 5:30:21 AM EST) Wow, a blonde joke I hadn't heard before! And I never saw that punchline coming, either. Funny one!

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