1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
You ever had a dog jump on your nuts? HELLO !
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
Who would even look for it?
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
Maybe they should stay out of so many bar fights.
4. It is illegal to purchase Jack Daniel's Whiskey in the town in which it is produced!
People at the factory just drink out of the mop bucket.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop - even your heart!
Apparently you’ve never had a bad case of diarrhea and sneezed.
6. Only seven percent of the population are lefties.
I dress left, does that count?
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute!
WHITE TRASH RULES !
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
That’s why the mob won’t loan money to young people.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The next 30 years will be spent waiting in a Doctor’s office.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The toothbrush was invented in Arkansas, otherwise it would have been called a teethbrush.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
Not if I can help it.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
That seat hurts when it falls on your head.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
TJ’s weeny is 4.4 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
The average computer user gets a porn popup 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
My schween stays bigger longer when I drink Rum.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
Spider? I thought the slang term was poontang.
17. The real reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
Not in North Carolina. They are jealous of the sheep.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
And my wife if I trying to talk to some young hot babe.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
Him and Richard Gere would have made such a nice couple too.
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
Wouldn’t it have just been easier for him, if’n he’d have just joined the Catholic Church and become a priest?
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
At least beer commercials are true and accurate.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
Must be why Mel Gibson and I are never on the same plane.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
In 1903 gas was 10 cents a gallon. Now days we need one a little more efficient.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
I wonder what they do with the foreskin?
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
Yeah but nobody ever wanted to see that overbite f**ker naked.
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