"The person who runs FEMA is someone who must have the trust of the president. Because the person who runs FEMA is the first voice, oftentimes, of someone whose life has been turned upside down hears from."Austin, Texas, Jan. 4, 2001
Random Quote
"... and on our show tonight we have five Miss America contestants and also some dogs. I mean real dogs ... Come on, now, you know I mean dogs that bark!" Johnny Carson
Snapple Facts
#75 The average person makes 1,140 phone calls per year.
Yo Mama ...
is so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
One Liners
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A. Anyone can roast beef.
1. With two forks and a charge, a pickle will emit light!
Two forks of beans and Roger will emit gas
2. The penis of a barnacle may reach up to 20 times its body size.
No wonder that song is “Won’t you come home Bill Barnacle, won’t you come home”
3. It takes Several hundred thousand years for newly made photons (light) to travel from the core of the sun to it's surface.
It takes about 2 seconds for that gas in #1 to reach the surface for Roger
4. The longest recorded flight by a chicken is 13 seconds!
It was running away from Roger
5. Pearls will dissolve in vinegar!
Not the little Pink Pearl I hope
6. A cubic mile of ordinary fog contains less than a gallon of water.
If’n I ran a mile I would emit more than a gallon of sweat
7. Tibetans drink tea made of salt and rancid yak butter!
I always wondered where IHOP got their Ice Tea recipe
8. Plants tend to grow healthier when they are stroked.
I’ve got something else that grows when stroked
9. In Nepal, cow dung is used for medicinal purposes.
In the US cow dung is used for Political speeches (maybe that’s Bullshit)
10. Babies are born without knee caps.
No wonder they are screaming
11. Bamboo plants can grow up to 36 inches in a day.
Must be why you can always see Japanese woman squatting in the garden
12. Clocks made before 1660 had only one hand - an hour hand.
They were just trying to survive
13. The Stanley Cup originally was only seven and a half inches high.
And I’ll bet Stanley never had my problem of, my cup runnuth over then
14. Microsoft only made $16,005 in its first year of operation!
They should have had ENRON’s accountant’s
15. The creator of the Waffle Iron did not actually like waffles.
He was trying to invent the mammogram
16. Rain contains vitamin B12.
So doesn’t my sp..m
17. The leading cause of poisoning for children under the age of six in the home is liquid dish soap.
I’m glad my mom only used bar soap to wash my mouth
18. Human birth control pills also work on gorillas.
That’s good news for yimmy, he just got a job at the zoo
19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan.
Like the names Peter Pan and Tinker bell weren’t made up
20. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors.
He needed a hair cut
21. It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.
There are things that are illegal in North Carolina involving sheep too, but that doesn’t stop some people
22. Hot water weighs more than cold water.
It just seems that way because you can’t hold on to it as long
23. The United States produces more tobacco than it does wheat.
Who in the hell smokes wheat?
24. In 1910 a football team was penalized 15 yards for an incomplete forward pass.
We must have their descendents still referring today
25. The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.
Ask TJ’s first wife, I heard she was a spitter
Hey Ebenny... take over pal..., I'll be back later to join you
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces
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