A guy named Ron is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither of them is seeing anyone else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine. Without really thinking, she says it aloud, "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine it seemed like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself,"Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Ron is thinking, "Gosh. Six months."
Then Elaine is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?"
And Ron is thinking, "So that means it was...let's see...February when
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here."
Elaine is thinking, "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment -- maybe he has sensed -
even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."
And Roger is thinking, And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out and this thing is
shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves six
hundred dollars."
And Elaine is thinking, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can't
help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."
And Ron is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a ninety-day
warranty. Scumbags."
And Elaine is thinking, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
here next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a
person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain
because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
And Ron is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..."
"Ron," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Ron, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I never should have. Oh God, I feel so."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Ron.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Ron.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Ron, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I. I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a fifteen-second pause while Ron, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with
one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Ron, do you really
feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Ron.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Ron. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Ron," she says.
"Thank you," says Ron.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed -- a conflicted,
tortured soul -- and weeps until dawn.
Ron gets back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV
and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the
far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he just doesn't
think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, every expression, every gesture for nuances of meaning,
considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss
this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Ron, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and
say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and
women.
Love the country, live to pee outside!
