Rule 1 – When in the Men’s Room, always institute the one urinal buffer rule unless an emergency situation exists.
Rule 2 – Using your partners toothbrush is not only considered a health hazard but displays a sense of closeness that should only be experienced by Siamese twins conjoined at the jaw.
Rule 3 – If there are empty stairs on an escalator between you and the next person feel free to close the gap. However, only the biggest of inconsiderate pricks attempts to pass someone on a moving escalator.
Rule 4 – Dinner and a movie is a date, not a relationship.
Rule 5 – There is only one man on the face of this planet who is authorized to say “Fo shizzle my nizzle” and it ain’t you.
Rule 6 – Women: Asking your man if these jeans make you look fat is kind of like asking him to play darts with a blind man, sure he can lie to him but it might come back to sting him in the ass.
Rule 7 – Men: If you are ever given this choice, sex with a 6 out of 10 or making out with a 9 out of 10 choose the sex. You’ll hate yourself in the morning but it beats the hell out of blue balls.
Rule 8 – If you find a wad of money on the ground, keep it. If you find a wad of money on the ground with a name, address, and phone number on it, keep it. Period.
Rule 9 – It’s true… there is no “ I “ in team. However there is an “ I “ in “ I don’t care about the team.”
Rule 10 – It doesn’t matter who you talk to. Batman is not a superhero.
Rule 11 – There are but two occasions where it is acceptable for a man to cry. 1) The death of an immediate family member. 2) When the words “can only be cured by castration” are spoken to you by a qualified physician.
Rule 12 – His and Hers towels are all right. His and Hers bath robes are acceptable on a special occasion. His and Hers hairbrushes, shower caps and body soaps… now you’ve gone too far.
Rule 13 – Women: It is okay to call and talk to your mother. It is not okay to call and talk to your mothers’ boyfriend.
Rule 14 – A new engine and/or a new paintjob are proper steps to help in changing your car from busted. New 21” spinners on an 84’ Toyota corolla with 6 different colors and a rag for a gas cap is not.
Rule 15 – If you can’t find it in a Wal-Mart Supercenter you got no business looking for it.
Rule 16 – Men: All women at a wedding are open game, except one. If you have to ask which one you just need to leave.
Rule 17 – Women: If you touch a mans dick, over the clothing or under, expect to go all the way. You don’t go through the drive-thru 4 times to get your meal, you get it all in one trip.
Rule 18 – If you’ve never thrown a rock at a pane of glass, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Rule 19 – If men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. Gays must be from Uranus.
Rule 20 – In the case of a woman, driving is neither a privilege nor a right. It is a license for her to act like a retard with a lighter and a stick of dynamite… sooner or later (Boom!)
Rule 21 – If you need a cart to get your carry-on bags to the gate at the airport, guess what? That shit ain’t carry-on.
Rule 22 – Never fall in love over the Internet. This is not a movie. Odds are the picture he/she sent you was post-op.
Rule 23 – Don’t use crosswalks. Until you find one with a 6ft titanium wall around it ain’t gonna save you.
Rule 24 – Although the time limit for a hug given or received by a girl is unlimited, if a man engages in a hug over 5 seconds it better be with a girl.
Rule 25 – Public pools are just that. Public. So know that you’re swimming in about 60% urine, 30% sperm and 10% chlorine.
Rule 26 – Scientists have proven the sun can give you cancer. Scientists have proven that cell phones can give you cancer. When you’re in the sun for too long you get out of the sun. When you’re on your phone for too long you go out and buy a bigger plan. Are we thinking yet?
Rule 27 – It is a new age, piercing has become acceptable. But I don’t care if it’s the year 3025, if you put an 8 gauge steel pin through your peehole your fuckin’ crazy.
Rule 28 - Despite popular belief, shaving the pubic area does not rid you of crab infestation.
Rule 29 – If you are in a boy/girl/boy threesome, the only authorized position is Western showdown style. End of story.
Rule 30 – I don’t care if you’re the Pope buying Uncle Jesus’ Peach-flavored Holy Water on sale for half price. If you buy 50 of the same damn holy waters you are still disqualified from the 10 items or less line.
Rule 31 – Born-again virgins are like unicorns. They don’t exist, and even if they did I bet you couldn’t find one.
Rule 32 – Men: A fat chick is a fat chick. No other defining characteristic will ever change that. If she has a pretty face, guess what? She’s a fat chick with a pretty face. Sorry.
Rule 33 – Women: Scientifically speaking you have about as much chance of finding Mr. Right as being struck by lightning at the end of a rainbow on your way to pick up your lottery winnings. You might as well settle for Mr. Right-now.
Rule 34 – The rules concerning the age of your partner in a relationship are as follows: Boy dates Girl: She’s too young if her mother hasn’t picked out the cup size for her bra yet. She’s too old if she knows her cup size but can only get her bra on with help from the nurse at the seniors home. Girl dates Boy: He’s too young if on your first date all he can talk about is his prized Ernie Banks 1943 Rookie Baseball Card. He’s too old if was on Ernie Banks 1943 baseball team.
Rule 35 – McDonalds has become such a high class establishment that it is actually possible to bring a date there all the way up to the 3rd meeting. After which you may have to spring for the salad bar at Pizza Hut.
Rule 36 - The holiday of Christmas is a thing of the past. We now rejoice in the celebration of the “Sears Half-Price End-of-December Red Tag Sale”.
Rule 37 – Women: True romance is dead. If you find a man willing to draw you a bubble bath, read you poetry, and then rub your feet until you fall asleep, you better chain him to the radiator in the bathroom because you just found the needle in the haystack of the world.
Rule 38 – Men: When out with a group of male friends, should the words “Well my girlfriend/wife thinks…” fall from your lips it better be ended with “taking it up the butt is cool” or you are required to refer to yourself as Susan and drink virgin Shirley Temple’s for the remainder of the night.
Rule 39 – The only person allowed to refer to himself in the third person is Mike Tyson, and that’s only because nobody cares.
Rule 40 – We’ve all seen at least one commercial for a breakthrough herpes medication. If you say you haven’t odds are you have you just thought it was a commercial for handsome men who ride motorcycles with swimsuit models through the mountains on their way to work as a CEO of a fortune 500 company. (Almost makes you wish you had herpes)
Rule 41 – Mean people make fun of others. Everyone else does it behind their back.
Rule 42 – Tattoos have become a symbol of sexiness and desirability. However this is only in moderation. If your having trouble squeezing a girlfriends name between the Tweety bird dressed like Tupac you have on your shoulder and the Minnie Mouse getting it doggie-style from Goofy you have on your back, odds are you crossed the line.
Rule 43 – Don’t be the DD, unless it stands for Designated Drinker.
Rule 44 – If you steal from the collection plate at church feel free to kill whomever you’d like, whenever you’d like. Seeing as how you’re going to hell anyway you might as well upgrade your status.
Rule 45 – Life is like a soap opera. Only the pretty people get noticed, but it’s not because they’re pretty. You’d get attention to if your long lost identical evil twin sister married your father then had a baby with a bow-legged hermaphrodite farm hand who turned out to be an alien. Lesson learned: Strive for mediocrity.