A very loud, unattractive & hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Dundee with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning madam and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?... Do you think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just canny believe anyone would actually shag you twice!"
".....A good woman, good food, good wine and golf are the secrets to heaven on earth......."
