On The Way To Heaven
By: vmax97	Published: 05/05/2005
The Sunday school teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven. Which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "....Because when your pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!", said the teacher. Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?" Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'O God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her for sure." Why not join the rest of us on the inside and get all of Goofball.com?
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Here's another one: (2 replies) started by thecritic (05.12.2005 8:29:49 AM EST) Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow: * You can only slap one person per hour - no more. * You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day. * You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant. * No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher. * CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid butt always messing up stuff!" * If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day

Joke for 5 / 12 / 05 (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (05.12.2005 7:30:53 AM EST) I apologize if I’ve put this on here before (I can't remember), buts it’s the best new one I’ve heard in a while. Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job. Since both applicants had the same qualifications they were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!" The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

just got this one in email (1 reply) started by thecritic (05.11.2005 10:06:52 AM EST) title: Ain't It 'Da Truth A Pakistani arrives in New York City all excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and... " "The person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Chinese." The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..." Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence. "I no be American, I be Turk!" The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." "But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American. He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets him "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country." "I'm not an American, I'm a Mexican. " "But," answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Americans??" The Mexican looks at his watch and says, "Probably at work."

Joke for 5 / 11 / 05 (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (05.11.2005 9:26:19 AM EST) This is an old joke I know. but it's the best I can do for now. Roger and his wife walked into a dentist's office. Roger said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself,"My goodness—this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" Roger turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth,Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

Joke for 5 / 9 / 05 (1 reply) started by thegrandpatron (05.09.2005 10:10:21 AM EST) Things are not always what they seem. A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover Southern California's wildfires. The magazine wanted pictures of the heroic work the fire fighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his obtaining good photographs from ground-level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and via a cell phone call to the local county airport, necessary arrangements were made. He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. He arrived at the airfield and spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind, and roared down the runway. Within just a minute or two of his arrival they were in the air. The photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"

Here's one I got from Elwood (4 replies) started by thecritic (05.07.2005 1:33:58 AM EST) A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sat down at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked,"If you ain't goin to eat that, do ya mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turned his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner said, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place and started spooning it in with delight. He got nearly down to the bottom before noticing a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately puked up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too!"

One of ............ (0 replies)   started by thegrandpatron (05.05.2005 6:43:25 AM EST) my all time favorite jokes.

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