Dear Doctor:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, seven in fact. A child for each of my seven years of marriage. I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married, I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years of experience said if we made love while breast feeding, we would be all right. Well _ I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse, this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, but got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next, but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headache when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation, I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely...
Keith
