Darwin Awards celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution in action bycommemorating the remains of individuals who contributed to the improvementof our gene pool by removing themselves from it. The following Urban Legendis included as an inspirational narrative.
(March 2000, Melbourne, Australia) Gun-toting grannyAva Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-oldgranddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shottheir testicles off!
"The old lady spent a week hunting those bumsdown -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her ownspecial way," said admiring Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. "Thenshe took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on thesergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards willnever rape anybody again, by God.'
Cops say convicted rapist androbber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outragedAva opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the seedy hotel room where he andformer prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.
The wrinkledavenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed tosave his mangled penis, police said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose hismanhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way heused to," Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are still in pretty badshape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've beenthrough."
The Rambo Granny swung into action after her granddaughterDebbie was carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps in a section oftown bordering on skid row.
"When I saw the look on my Debbie's facethat night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get thosebastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on them,"recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' it all my life."
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's descriptionof the sickos ' car, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling thewino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted theill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.
"I knew it was themthe minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it backto Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them," the ornery oldsterrecalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked onthe door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em;got right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'emmost, you know. Then I went down to the police station and turned myselfin."
Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with thevigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an81-year-old woman in prison." Det. Delp said, "especially when all 3million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood."
Darwin Awards verified the status of this story as an Urban Legendwith Daniel Rezmann: "I work for the Office ofPublic Prosecutions in Melbourne, and thus have access to information onthe criminal activities of my fellow Victorians. I checked through ourrecords, and I can say with confidence that neither rapist exists in ourrecords. If they were actually convicted, there is a 100% chance that theywould be in our records, as we would have prosecuted them. Furthermore,even a Granny in her 80's would still be prosecuted. Case in point is whereone elderly lady was charged with stabbed another to death in a nursinghome last year. And finally, I read our newspapers and watch the newsprograms each night, and I do not recall ever seeing anything about thismatter, despite its sensational nature which, if true, would plaster it allover the media."
