1998 Darwin Awards
By: JimmyfromQueens	Published: 11/24/1998
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event! DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the Outer Banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990. DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons." AND THE WINNER: PADERBORN, GERMANY Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents." Why not join the rest of us on the inside and get all of Goofball.com?
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request (1 reply) started by Anonymous Goofball (10.28.2000 1:53:32 AM EST) I would like permission to reproduce the "www.goofball.com" cartoon (it appears to be by someone named "Perscheid")and distributed by "Bulls") which depicts God running a car into a telephone pole by accident.

Yummy (0 replies) started by kickarse (10.24.2000 2:10:33 PM EST) Kinda makes me hungry.... Mmmmmmm......Figalicious VVVVVRrrrooooooommmmm

shithead (0 replies) started by pinestreetmonkey (10.17.2000 3:00:17 PM EST) after feeding an elephant 22 laxatives, a bushel of berries, figs and PRUNES, you got the nerve to stick around and await the results. he got what he deserved. at least he died in the line of duty. R.I.P. and let this be a lesson to the rest of the shitheads. ruff diggity

classic stuff (0 replies) started by JSkills (08.19.2000 0:49:08 AM EST) ain't it? JSkills Goofball Staff

NO SHIT!!!!!!!!! (1 reply) started by lilrolla1269ya (08.18.2000 4:20:50 AM EST) Hey...... its a shitty job , butt someone had to do it

shit (0 replies)   started by tigger (06.11.2000 11:10:05 PM EST) that has got to suck but he did unclog the elephants bowels, which was his intension. so he was so dedicated to the job, he died to do his duty(no pun intended) ...YEAH, go suck a bug!!!

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