The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball
in Newport, VT named Scott Williams who digs things out of his
back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that
they are actual archaeological finds.
This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian
Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are
challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in
writing!
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with
your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence
of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a
Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has
small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to
the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain
that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the
field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid
remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the
earliest identified proto- homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily
against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say
that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that
a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with
melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen
carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab
must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that
we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny
Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down
because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and
didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not
a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting
example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here
so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved
a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon
next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our
nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and
several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are
particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions
in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile
Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator- Antiquities
