The Special Olympics... Battlebots 2000
By: Crick	Published: 09/14/2000
The other day I was watching football and I saw a quarterback sprinting for the first down. He was running toward the sideline and a defensive back was coming to greet him with a can of whoop-ass. The quarterback leapt through the air attempting to hurdle his opponent. He didn't quite make it over him, and was sent head over heels about seven feet in the air. He landed on his head about ten feet away in a massive heap of pain. He tumbled a few times like a broken toy and came to rest in some mud. He then brushed himself off, got up and sprinted to the huddle to call the next play. They showed that one play a few hundred times, and it amazed me more every time I saw it. These are the wonders of an exoskeleton. But we're not really insects, and even small trips and stumbles along the pavement can cause damage. A friend of mine just fell down a few stairs and bruised her shoulder for a whole week. Ahhh... we're not that young anymore. Soon we'll all be breaking hips and drinking calcium-laced OJ. Got any Metamucil? So I just don't know what to think about a guy who can tumble through the air, land on his head, get up, and walk away. And he's older than me, for Christ's sake. Then I figured it all out. They grow these guys in huge petri dishes. Giant underground alien bases in the southwest U.S. Reptoids, cattle mutilations, mother ships, greys, implants, quarterbacks. Yeah, whatever. But if it isn't sinister, then it must be the shoes. Right? Then I read today about some athletes on the Chinese national team. It seems that, in the past few years, their female track and field team has been able to put up some serious numbers, breaking all running records, and not just by tenths of seconds. They're breaking them by minutes, in some cases. And just today, twenty-six athletes were kicked off the team for "questionable blood test results." Oh, I get it. Performance enhancing drugs. What's wrong with that? Don't we idolize the use of performance drugs? All athletes use them, and I enjoyed watching Mark McGwire hit all those home runs "under the influence." He even got to meet the president. So what if it ruins his health? I just love to watch the long ball. And what about the East German swim team, who, a few years back, pumped air into their colons to improve their buoyancy? Shouldn't they be national heroes? Talk about taking it for your country. A few years back, Ben Johnson was stripped of his gold medal at the Seoul Olympic games, just for looking the part of the Man From Mars. And he ran like it, too. And after watching the Little League World Series this year, I couldn't help but thinking how the game would be so much more exciting if all those kids were doped up on steroids. Nobody was hitting home runs. Lots of dinky singles, and they even had aluminum bats. Boring, I tell you. I mean, if they're gonna drug our kids in school with Ritalin and Prozac anyway, why the heck can't we stick a few needles in them for sports? Kids are getting bigger nowadays, and it's a no-brainer that it's caused by all the growth hormones added to beef. No one is complaining about THAT. I see fat kids sitting around on street corners everywhere, swallowing whole Snickers bars and washing them down with Big Gulp, 32 oz. sodas. Wouldn't you rather have a raging bull for a son, than a fat oaf with some nougat from a Milky Way stuck to his lower lip? So what's the deal with drugs? Go down to your local "health food" store and pick up a vat of protein powder. A couple of power bars for dessert, and you're ready to go knock some heads off. And if that doesn't make you tingly all over, then the least you can do is applaud those who give their bodies for a great cause: our national diversions...sports. So what if they've got android blood? Win me a gold medal and you can come home with reptile skin for all I care. We got all kinds of sports here in the United States. You name it, we got it, especially if you watch ESPN. There are female lumberjacks splitting wood and throwing axes. We got cage matches and gladiators. Big beefy men and women everywhere you look. And if you don't like that, there's even Pro Wrestling to wrestle your attention away from anything that's even remotely enlightening or important. Yessirree, Bob. Nothing whips you into a frenzy more than watching a guy get his spine removed by a blitzing linebacker. Eat another E.Coli burger thrown at you by the clown, and grow some hair on your teeth. But the wave of the future is more ingenious than just chemical additives to our TV sports regime. If you want a glimpse at the future, just check out Battlebots, where people pit their remote-controlled, homemade death machines against each other in an enclosed ring. People create the most wonderful hydraulic smashers, cutters, lancers, choppers, and cleavers. These robots are piloted by their makers. Soon, our favorite athletes will be gulping down WD-40 instead of Creatine, and MRI's will be replaced by diagnostic emission tests. I look forward to the day when my favorite athlete will rip the cover off of the baseball and still send it a thousand feet through the air. The seventy-yard pass will be a screenplay, and the three point shot will need laser-guided technology to find the bottom of the basket. Stadiums, no doubt will have to be bigger, too. Just think of it: more luxury boxes. The best part, however, is that when your favorite athlete goes tumbling through the air, lands on his head and breaks his neck, a new neck can simply be installed on the sideline and he can be ready for the second half. I'm tired of watching my sports deities acting like pussies. I want interchangeable parts. If German swimmers can pump gas in their asses, then why shouldn't our guys be allowed to have a few transistors embedded in their biceps? Colonel Steve Austin was one of my childhood heroes, and I always wanted a bionic eye, instead of those cheap x-ray glasses that I found in the back of comic books but never quite believed would work. If anyone wants to put a couple of wires under my skin (next to my alien implant) to make me dunk the ball with authority, then let them have me. Professional doctors (or aliens) only, please. In the long run, wires and chips just might be healthier than chemicals that all begin with the prefix "andro". Steroids make your penis go limp, but a hydraulic jack in your jimmy will keep you smiling all night. So I thought that with all the talk of Olympic athletes on drugs, we should do what we should have done years ago with all narcotics: legalize them. Fake wars on drugs never work, and as long as we love to see the crushing tackle and miraculous triple lutz (into a Parisian Pirouette), then no one really wants to see drugs banned from sports. But at least I'll admit it. We always want more, especially from our sports stars. We love to see records broken just as much as we like the competition. So let them use all the drugs that they want, and like real life, those who don't want to be drug addicts should choose a different way of making a living. Leave the drugs to the professionals, or continue to cry about how unfair the game has become. But don't worry. Sit tight and wait a few years. Soon the whole controversy about drugs will be replaced by Battlebot John, posing on your Wheaties cereal box, with his six gold medals hanging on his neck (remote control antenna, carefully hidden from view). Why not join the rest of us on the inside and get all of Goofball.com?
Related Links Top Ten Drugs The Smurfs Are On Drugs are Bad Don't do drugs Bears On Drugs School Bans Nude Olympics Olympics Leader In Diaper Drug Ring Sentenced To 20 Years Who Wants To Win A Gold Medal? Jane Fonda Media Programming II Hammer throw Janis Joplin Lenny Bruce Burgers, Fries, Cocaine To Go? Darryl Strawberry Darryl Strawberry Loony Tune Orgy The Olympic Spirit - Australian Style Olympic Hopeful Police Capture Drug Dealing Monkeys
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I once punched a guy (0 replies) started by mrdrape (12.27.2000 8:46:45 PM EST) His name was Freddy and I must have been 8 years old. I punched him because he said something and I didn't like it. SO I PUNCHED HIM! TRALALALA I PUNCHED HIM!, yeah but he didn't die. Nothing happened. No big deal. Just a simple punch. Then my dad got me a keyboard because he was so proud of me. But all I did was a simple punch. No big deal. And I felt guilty. So I guess what I'm saying is...... KEYBOARDS RULE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!.... aaaah...... *Sniiiffffffff* *Pant*.................. NOT FINISHED YET! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! By the way, Steroids suck. "Don't you know that our smart bombs, they are so smart, they only kill bad people" Danny Elfman I eat scumm and then I'm done

Rog? (0 replies) started by spoiler (09.25.2000 10:40:55 AM EST) Was this a competition? Damn I didn't even get to throw a punch, what a waste! *plop* --the sound of a tear rolling down my cheek and landing on the tile floor. THAT'S THE LAST TIME I SLICE MY OWN FUCKIN ONIONS!!!! Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I declare the winner to be crick (0 replies) started by Roger (09.23.2000 9:02:37 AM EST) unless he does respond to spoiler again, then of course spoiler will be the winner. only time will tell goofs. remember you caught it here live and in color on goofball.com. Waaaaaaaa hahahahahaha What's the difference between weddings and funerals? At weddings, you get to smell the flowers.

One more thing... (0 replies) started by spoiler (09.20.2000 4:22:52 PM EST) Please stop simply responding to the things I say and be original, I feel like you're rewriting what I say in a new form, that's so stupid. BTW, that "ignoring you as of now" thing, I recall hearing alot of that when I was a little kid from people who knew they couldn't say anything intelligent, so they just come up with that poor excuse to avoid being forced into having to actually think of something else to say. Take care Poindexter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Crick (0 replies) started by spoiler (09.20.2000 4:18:52 PM EST) Congratulations, you win my pathetic excuse of an organism award. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

cool (0 replies) started by miko1965 (09.20.2000 12:59:18 PM EST) pretty cool, will be exploring more. only fun mostly clean stuff folks, laughter is healthy.

Thanks... (0 replies) started by crick (09.19.2000 4:19:31 PM EST) Insecurity would be being afraid to post a story on a website. I would also bet you anything in the world that I live more fully and laugh more in one day than you will ever do in your life. Seriously, that's true. You can't imagine what I do and have done. I suggest you live a little, and find out what it's really like. You really show your command of the English language, as well, with your gutter vocabulary and name-calling, which is the truest sign of a moron. Can't think of another insult than to call me a "pie fucker"? Please, stop making yourself look so bad. Dickless, prick, queer-ass (with a hyphen, by the way), are classic examples of how uneducated you are. Leave the brains to smart people, okay? And lighten up a little yourself, too. No one is fighting with you except yourself. I will ignore you starting right now.

Want me to write something? (0 replies) started by spoiler (09.18.2000 8:57:43 AM EST) Here it is...I'm glad I could amuse you. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face as well with your queer ass comebacks. Pricks like you spend their lives online, and your attitude and defensive actions prove that. Why don't you write an article about dickless pie fuckers like yourself...or maybe I will. Don't take shit so seriously, that only goes to show how insecure you are. Live a little. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Public Info (0 replies) started by crick (09.15.2000 3:24:38 PM EST) Let's make it clear, spoiler: You're nothing more than a laugh for me. It's plainly obvious that you could never be above the jealous malcontent that you are. Write your own piece of trash before you criticize someone else's. It's also plainly obvious that you can't put more than a few sentences of meaning together, yet you always find the time to read mine. Next time, don't bother. You've already made me laugh enough. Put up or shut up, baby. Sorry to be so mean, but you started it. That goes for you, too, mayortr. Anybody else?

Battlebots rules (4 replies) started by SuicideKing (09.15.2000 11:45:21 AM EST) of course, it would be a much better show if it was one robot against a human in that little cage Ryän (the §ui©ideKÏng) "This isn't me, I'm not mechanical...I'm just a boy, playing the suicide king.."

Lost points (0 replies) started by spoiler (09.15.2000 9:54:49 AM EST) Well, once I think you've done something interesting...you go and make an ass of yourself again. Go snort a line and build a vacuum. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

??? (0 replies)   started by mayortr (09.15.2000 9:12:22 AM EST) Wow, you're an idiot. go get -em flash!!

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