The Dumb Guy
By: Crick	Published: 10/05/2000
Single white woman, young and sexy, skinny, self-assured, confident, looking for single white man, between the ages of 25 and 40, high sperm count, decent job, and no brains whatsoever, to treat like a moron, to be used solely for his ability to make babies, then to be castrated and lobotomized (in case of signs of fleeting brainwave activity). Eligible bachelors must be able to look stupid but cute at the same time, so as to invoke pity and motherly instincts. Said bachelor should be strong and muscular, but should allow himself to occasionally be pummeled into a cube of quivering Jell-O, both mentally and physically, by said bachelorette. Puppy-dog eyes are a must and kowtowing to my every whim is a plus. Knowledge of household appliances and other odd gadgets not necessary, but the ability to buy them and pay for them to be fixed (with a credit card) is an absolute. I have seen this personal ad a thousand times. Haven't you? Don't you know where? See if you can guess ... Scene 1: Young guy walking along the beach, seemingly being filmed on a camcorder, and accidentally falls on top of cute girl in a bikini, who then proceeds to beat the living piss out of him. Pan to living room scene, where two guys are watching this video clip over and over, one of whose faces is covered with bruises and bandages, with nothing but a big blank stare. I believe this is a commercial for some kind of E-trade business. Scene 2: Same company, different advertisement. Same perspective from the camcorder. Woman strapped into a parasailing harness, ready to take off. You can hear a man in the background saying, "It's okay, honey, just relax, everything is gonna be fine." Woman is the suddenly jerked forward with tremendous violence, snapping her head back 90 degrees, and pulled directly into the water. Ooops! Pan to living room scene again, same woman now in a neck brace, watching the video of it with her husband, who meekly says, (with puppy-dog eyes) "I thought it would be okay," over and over again. Scene 3: An upscale bar, in some metropolis. Single female, sexy, self-assured, and alone, sitting down at a table and looking so inviting and frisky, pouring a bottle of beer into a glass. She's not looking at the glass, though. She's looking at some guy, but still manages to pour the perfect glass of beer with style, grace, and sex appeal. Pan to the guy she's looking at. He's also pouring a beer, but something is quite wrong here. Because he's staring at her like a zombified sack of testosterone, he forgets completely about his beer and proceeds to spill it all over himself. Ha ha ha!!! Isn't that funny? Doesn't that always happen to you, too? Scene 4: Hey guys... that new root beer commercial tells you that it's good to be an ass-wipe (excuse me, I meant "thick-headed"). The married guy doesn't recognize the shade of lipstick on his collar so he asks his wife. He doesn't know when he spent 300 bucks on a massage, and wonders aloud about it over breakfast while looking at his credit card statement. He views his bachelor party video tape while his wife is home, and asks her to come watch it with him. Don't you hate it when you do stupid things like that? Happens all the time. Scene 5: Older gentleman doesn't have coins to purchase a soda from the vending machine. He goes to the fountain in the middle of the plaza and starts fishing out some change, until a nun sees him. He gives the embarrassed, sheepish grin, and the nun stares him down. Pan back to the vending machine. Young girl in her 20's pulls out her cell phone points it at the machine, dials the magic number, and voila... a can of soda put on her ATT cell phone credit card (just so you never have to worry about buying a soda ever again). But don't get me started on that one. Well, you get the point. I could go on and on with this. I have so many that it's hard to know which ones to write about. Let me just mention my favorite Amex ad, please. Young guy locks himself in the bathroom. Can't get out. Young wife comforts him from the other side of the door. Poor puppy dog, don't worry, it'll be okay. We'll get you out... man slips credit card under the door and wifey calls the locksmith. How about that? But like I said, you get the point. You're an idiot. This broad-sweeping statement applies only to you, white guy. Young black men are slowly joining the ranks of idiots, too, but TV execs have to be more careful about this. They have to make the black guys look like white guys first, and they have to have white friends who are idiots, too. So why should we even notice things like this? I don't know. All I know is that I noticed it, and still for the life of me, cannot figure out why it's done. There are many levels of "the sell" and some of them have nothing to do with the product itself. Commercials have become almost as talked about as the shows they interrupt. Case in point would be greeting our friends with a big WAZZZUP. Commercials, along with programs, create a false reality that becomes ever more "real" when the subject (us) is under constant attack from them. They creep into the subconscious just like mercury sinks into the ground water supply. Slow poison for the brain. Fragmented realities that shape a culture of people. Or maybe it's as simple as it seems. I don't know. But images form the greater part of a man's imagination. Men get off on images, and women get off on words. That's why men don't read romance novels, and women don't jerk off to porno mags. Men fall in love with what they see, women with what they hear. Anyway, that's another rant for another time. The only time you really ever see a man look good is when he's buying something or driving his truck in canyon country, risking the whole ball of wax, and generally acting like a tough guy. And how close is that to reality, fellas? The only trucks I see being driven have two children sitting in the back seat, doing the ten-point turn in the parking lot by mom. Other than that, you can be thankful that men exist just to have a group of people to make fun of. Who else catches half the shit that men do, especially white ones? Women would be offended and so would any other group of people, ethnic and religious. Just think about it. White guys will never make a big fuss about it. Not allowed. Then you'd be labeled a Neo-Nazi. So just shut up white guy, and enjoy the show. The real issue is male-female, though. Men are stupid, women are smart. Get that straight, Mr. Married Guy, Mr. Nine to Five, Mr. Mortgage, Mr. High Cholesterol, Mr. Bald, Mr. Viagra, Mr. Monkey, Mr. Loser. All you really need to do is shut up and pay those bills, and if you keep watching those sitcoms, then perhaps you too will be one of the idolized millions that we love to feel sorry for. And if you don't toe that line, then we've got a great rerun of Cops for you. And you can be sure, gentlemen, that the poison also gets inside her head, too. Slowly she starts to see a change in you. Yeah, you're still cute, but why has she been referring to you as "Hey, Bucky!" lately? Yeah, she still looks at you with those googly-eyes from time to time, but why does she keep pointing her cell phone at your head, and dialing intricate patterns of numbers? Does it make you nervous? Maybe she would prefer a cola to come out of your zipper, instead of your snake. But let's not blame the women here. No, it's not about that, so save your bras to burn another day, ladies. It's not your fault that we look so stupid. We do a great job of it by ourselves, thank you. Anyway, we're just trying to make you feel better about the fact that evil men still control this world and your bodies. The least we could do is give you a false sense of reality to disguise the ugly truth. You can blame men for almost all of life's (hu)man-made misery, so why not be shown in our truest form: idiots? I guess we deserve exactly what we get. Maybe those damn commercials are closer to the truth than I ever thought. After all, a clever monkey is still a monkey, isn't he? So if you fit the shoe, and if you're in the mood for love, guys, just respond to that personal advertisement, and get yourself laid. But first remember to leave your brain at the door and your cash at home. Credit cards will be just fine. Why not join the rest of us on the inside and get all of Goofball.com?
Related Links Gangsta Bitch Barbie Commercial Dumb Crook Passes Bad Check Mastercard Commercial for Men One Dumb Husband TV Commercial Leads To Tragic Cycle Safe Sex Commercial Sexy Milano's Banned Commercial Sumo SmartBeep Commercial The candy bar commercial Soft Drink Commercial Beer commercial A Commercial Worth Watching Dutch Commercial on Learning English Grab A Splode! Pinkly Taurus Beach How to speak about women and be politically correct Shanghai Appears Convinced of UFO Visit This Bud´s For You Who is Jack Schitt ??
More Rants...
Search   Advanced Search   This Section

ARTICLE FORUM LIST
You must register to participate in this discussion.

who gives a shit (0 replies) started by 040373 (11.18.2000 10:29:55 PM EST) i mean really...

i loe u man (0 replies) started by Anonymous Goofball (11.07.2000 6:53:58 PM EST) this reminds me the time at band camp.....ha ha ha ha ha ha if u want my email then just write a reply to this and then i will send u my address i am a chic 17

Well I dunno about you (0 replies) started by RevEf (11.05.2000 3:40:04 PM EST) But I am an idiot. A great blithering fool. I personally find there are a whole lot of stupid men. And women. And I imagine the Others are too. Everybody is really really stupid. To portray anyone as completely intelligent is a blow to reality. On average, though, I find men are stupider than women, if only due to the fact that they are ENCOURAGED to open their big dumb mouths and women aren't. "Damn. It's that weird kid again."

My Sweetheart (0 replies) started by Anonymous Goofball (10.19.2000 3:23:21 PM EST) My sweetheart is the mule in the mines I drive her without reins or lines. On the bumper I sit I chew and I spit all over my sweetheart's behind

Aw (0 replies) started by Anonymous Goofball (10.14.2000 11:03:31 AM EST) Wut the f*ck

That's fine with me (1 reply) started by spoiler (10.09.2000 11:08:01 AM EST) I kind of like the fact that men are being portrayed as thoughtless, insensensitive pigs. That may sound stupid, but for those of us that are exactly the opposite, we should all know that when one finds what our personalities are truly like, or should I say our "potential" to go along with the Personal Ad flow, we are seen as something to cherish and are that much more appreciated, whether that's a good or a bad thing depends on the person. So rather than being simply another "driven man aiming towards his goals and a bright future" among many others, we suddenly become versions of idols, for lack of a better word, that others should compare themselves to. And I truly did not mean to sound conceited in that statement I hope you all know, but it's the truth as it's been applied to me at least, and I'm sure some if not all would agree. For those men that fit the mold of this rant?......Curse and swear away at me and call me a moron or whatever genius words you choose to utter from behind the gentle glow of your monitor. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Choobs and Ass Crackers!? (0 replies) started by TuNaHeLpEr (10.08.2000 2:06:20 PM EST) My balls are big brown and smell like lambfries aka lamb stinkas!Ummm lemme see here uhh in i eat way too many lamb tesitcles an it makes my shit dry but u no wat i dont give a frogs fat ass...CREEPY BASTARDS,GRAPES,A FAT COON LOOKIN FOR CHEESE,A GRAPE FLAVORED IDIOT NAMED PHEBOUS EATIN CHARBROILED TOE CHARFT!! Welp thats about it on my entry on fat coons and tricycles?! LaTa FaGz I sell tacos and fat kids to 4 fingered drunkin midgets tryin to crush grape with their nuts!?!? And yes i did just say that!

What? (0 replies) started by Gruff (10.08.2000 1:42:09 PM EST) I'm a guy. and I'm not a dipshit, so what the fuck? Get real people. Goofball.com, Ah Reckon.

I think a quote is necessary... (0 replies) started by rook30505 (10.06.2000 0:16:49 AM EST) it's from the movie Magnolia,made by Tom Cruises' character-"Men are shit.Women don't do anything bad that we do.Women don't lie,they don't cheat,they don't manipulate us.From a young age we are taught to worship the woman,and apoligize-"I am so sorry,please forgive me",that's bullshit" I think that's pretty close to what he says,I've got a buzz goin on so I'm not sure. "You da best he-bitch in my man-stable.If I had 2 more manginas like you,I'd be a millionare"

I agree 100% (0 replies) started by IBBangin (10.05.2000 1:08:10 PM EST) The subliminal anti-white guy messages in almost all forms of media today is sickening. A question you raised in this rant is "Why is this done?", and that is a complicated subject. Suffice it to say that it IS done, and I'm getting pretty fucking sick of it!

STFU (2 replies) started by trevorparsons (10.05.2000 12:04:04 PM EST) You guys are reading way too far into the ramblings of this pre-adolescent punk. Wake up and smell the coffee. We are the dominant gender and exploit women for everything. Why do you think that men hold all the positions of power in the world? Stand up straight and suck in your gut. You are a MAN and deserve to be treated with respect. Tell that bitch to get down on her knees and like it! BE A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crick this was excellent (0 replies) started by RedNeckedTulsan (10.05.2000 9:22:18 AM EST) I must agree with most of what you say but i think you should qualify it somehwta. Its not white guys is American white guys,maybe Canadians too. Hot drinks in styrofoam cups release a gas that your body thinks is a female hormone.Peanut butter is full of that hormone stuff too.Few other cultures would put up with the crap handed out to the average white american guy.But then few other cultures have voluntarily been chemically emasculated.But it could be worse; you could get your vaginal fungus problems pushed down everybodies throats at supper time.

Well yeah (0 replies) started by some1dude (10.05.2000 2:57:28 AM EST) Look, Look, Look... We white men arnt portrayed as stupid... we are stupid. We figure that we have a little more than 70 years on this earth and if gettin laid makes us happy than we should do it as much as possable... and, if being dumb gets us laid than we figure... hey, Ill be dumb all the time... then Ill be more marketable than Brad Pitt. Therefore, we quit even trying to figure stuff out. we drink beer, watch football, and take out the garbage... and this sustains us until we die, and when we do... we dont have to worry about writing our memuars because unlike the smart one that dont get laid, we realize that NO ONE CARES.

wha? (0 replies) started by SuicideKing (10.05.2000 0:38:13 AM EST) wtf? lmao...uhh....Cristina...expla lol ThË §ûÏçîÐê KïÑG He just keeps going, and going, and going....

wha? (1 reply) started by SuicideKing (10.05.2000 0:35:59 AM EST) wtf? lmao...uhh....Cristina...would you care to explain? lol that's what my message should have read ThË §ûÏçîÐê KïÑG He just keeps going, and going, and going....

First Again! (0 replies) started by cristina78 (10.05.2000 0:06:34 AM EST) Suicide I got your place =)

a little long... (0 replies)   started by bigtomato (10.05.2000 0:00:45 AM EST) but still good! Well, All The Dirty Mexicans That Live In My Neighborhood Follow Me In Their Big Vans Hootin And Hollerin 'Cuz Im So Purdy! I got your 'Big Tomatoes' right here baby!

Goofball.com is not responsible for any content which individual users post. Goofball.com reserves the right to delete any content which it deems objectionable or in violation of any law or regulation.