1. When it becomes apparent that we will be spending some intimate time together, make your plans and inform whoever needs to be informed. I'll wait. Hell, I'll even pretend I don't notice that you're telling all your buddies you're going home with me. It is very rude to just ditch your friends, and very embarrassing to be followed out of the bar and then have to explain yourself with the person you're explaining about standing right there.
2. I wore a tight-fitting shirt for -your- benefit, so please restrain yourself: do not laugh when my attempt to take off said shirt in one sauve and sexy motion fails. I am hampered by having a) glasses and b) 6gauge plugs in my earlobes. Both of these make it hard to remove my shirt, assuming it pulls over my head. And if we are assuming that, remember that your laughter will occur at a time when my vision is impaired by said shirt and my breasts are exposed. I am insecure. I will probably think you're laughing at my boobs. This is not how we want our night to begin.
3. Yes, my bed is comfortable. It's also just that: my bed. Which means that I get the side with all those nifty gadgets - the light, the alarm clock, the bedside table with the drawer where I keep things I might need in the middle of the night. You get the wall.
4. If you have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, put on pants. Trust me. Nobody wants you in the living room in your undies.
5. If you stay the night, when you wake up in the morning, the bed you are in still does not belong to you. This now means that if I get up and you hear me puttering around the apartment and trying to start my day, you should also get up. Check out the alarm clock (located on the other side of the bed from which you slept). Has it been more than 20 minutes since I vacated the bedroom? Is my side of the bed cold? I'm not coming back.
5a. If you make it out of bed in a timely fashion, for the love of god, do not just sit around my apartment and try to make small talk. Get up, get dressed, get out. I picked you up in a bar for christsakes - we're not getting married.
6. I know I give good blowjobs. Still, everyone likes to hear a compliment now and then. However - the time for this compliment is somewhere around the vicinity of completion of the act - not the next morning.
7. Should you at any point meet my roommate(s), do not smirk or make insinuative comments. Also, do not hit on them. Both of these are highly uncool.
8. One-night stand means just that. So, no, I don't want your number, and I will not be giving you mine. And resist any urges you might have to 'drop by' at some future date. Believe me - it's better for both of us if this is the last time we see each other.
