Are You a Bad American?
By: JSkills	Published: 07/22/2002
Here's something I got recently and just had to share. It's by George Carlin: I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money? And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution? I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back! Why not join the rest of us on the inside and get all of Goofball.com?
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Title:	Anohter...
By:	ito
Date:	07.23.2002 8:05 AM EST

Here is another variation...and I dont think either is by George Carlin...

I like big cars, big cigars and big tits without artificial ingredients. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not to some mid-level bureaucrat with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I don't care about appearing compassionate. I know that playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I shouldn't have to be tolerant of others only because they are different. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English. I like my porn with or without silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for socialist opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap.
I don't care if getting a bj is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition of lying "is". I think Oprah is annoying, and self grandizing. Who else would start a magazine and only have herself on the cover. If she took her head out of her ass for a moment, she might find her spirit once and for all. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.
I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to their own God or gods, and they can do it in their schools. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Babe Ruth, John Wayne, and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman." I think gratuitous nudity and sex and creative violence make movies more interesting and Iraqis deader. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock kicks ass. I think global warming is junk science. I've never owned or was a slave and I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt and I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and NEITHER HAVE YOU, so SHUTUP already.
"Rocky and Bullwinkle" still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal out to Save The Earth is more dangerous than a Play Station. I want to know which church is it exactly where the "Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches.
I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen is putting her tongue this week. I think cops should have Something Better To Do than snatching Elian Gonzalez at gunpoint to ship him back to a totalitarian dictatorship. I thought "Spinal Tap" was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my ass. I worry about dying before I get even. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through "The Sixth Sense" but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks.
I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be some gang-banging homies or vatos. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child - it takes a parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I like good friends, good liquor and a good bowel movement first thing in the morning. I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry were "Ole Yeller" and "The Sands of Iwo Jima". I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I grew up. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps and I crush my cigarettes out on the curb.
Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
No matter what I believe in, think, want or like I still don't know or understand how my freedom got ripped off by a Godamn Paki that WE gave the right to come here and do this to us all!

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Anohter...   started by ito (07.23.2002 8:05:56 AM EST) Here is another variation...and I dont think either is by George Carlin... I like big cars, big cigars and big tits without artificial ingredients. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not to some mid-level bureaucrat with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. I know that playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I shouldn't have to be tolerant of others only because they are different. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English. I like my porn with or without silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for socialist opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I don't care if getting a bj is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition of lying "is". I think Oprah is annoying, and self grandizing. Who else would start a magazine and only have herself on the cover. If she took her head out of her ass for a moment, she might find her spirit once and for all. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks. I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to their own God or gods, and they can do it in their schools. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Babe Ruth, John Wayne, and whoever canceled "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman." I think gratuitous nudity and sex and creative violence make movies more interesting and Iraqis deader. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock kicks ass. I think global warming is junk science. I've never owned or was a slave and I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt and I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and NEITHER HAVE YOU, so SHUTUP already. "Rocky and Bullwinkle" still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal out to Save The Earth is more dangerous than a Play Station. I want to know which church is it exactly where the "Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches. I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen is putting her tongue this week. I think cops should have Something Better To Do than snatching Elian Gonzalez at gunpoint to ship him back to a totalitarian dictatorship. I thought "Spinal Tap" was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my ass. I worry about dying before I get even. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through "The Sixth Sense" but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be some gang-banging homies or vatos. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child - it takes a parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I like good friends, good liquor and a good bowel movement first thing in the morning. I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry were "Ole Yeller" and "The Sands of Iwo Jima". I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I grew up. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps and I crush my cigarettes out on the curb. Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. No matter what I believe in, think, want or like I still don't know or understand how my freedom got ripped off by a Godamn Paki that WE gave the right to come here and do this to us all!

Seen it before by roger (07.30.2002 5:13:46 PM EST) re-post, old stuff. Just protecting my sheep

dumb by proverbialchump (07.30.2002 10:54:43 PM EST) that is not even remotely funny...

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