New York City Rules
By: angrybob	Published: 12/21/2005
Now that the holiday season has set upon us with such menace, many of you will be making your respective pilgrimages to New York in order to partake of God-knows-what-you're-expecting-to-find-here. Now, I fully understand that this annual influx of jerkoffery is good for the local economy and all that, but those of us who actually have to go about the business of our lives -- you know, like going to work, and shit like that -- have more than our share of problems with this all-too-unavoidable population swell. That said, I'm feeling the urge to proffer a few tips to those uninitiates who, as we speak, are conspiring to keep me from getting where the fuck I need to go. Like work, for example. Since our mass transit system -- subways, Metro North and the Long Island Railroad -- will likely soon become overrun with the confused, the drunk, and the legitimately feebleminded, this list of suggestions will lean heavily toward directing the reader "how to properly take the train and walk on the sidewalk without being a douchebag." I will, however, pepper this guide with random advice on whatever other New York-centric subject matter I find useful, because, after all, this post is designed to help me keep my blood pressure in check. First step in curing the snoring, hey? 1. Get the fuck out of the way. Please. When you're in a crowded area -- the airports, Penn Station, Grand Central Terminal, or any subway platform -- you'll see that there exist several naturally developing pedestrian lanes where streams of people are walking. Stay out of them unless you're trying to get somewhere. When I get off the subway at Penn Station, I need to make my way to the escalator adjacent to the 7th Ave. entrance, and I usually need to get there quickly. Don't start chattering away on your cellphone and meander into my path, and, by extension, the path of the hundred people behind me. I'm going to truck you. 2. While at point A, figure out point B, then go directly there. Posthaste. If you have nowhere to go, don't amble about in front of the rest of us as if we're in a fucking rose garden. Move off to the side and plan your next move. Most of us -- at least us locals -- have somewhere to be, and we need to get there on time. Unless you know, with certainty, where you need to go, stop blocking my progress. 3. If you're going to have a conversation, don't do it out in the middle. In keeping with the 'pedestrian walkway' theme, please do all stationary business on the side, against the wall. Don't stand in the middle of the sidewalk making everyone flow around you. If you do this, and you don't, after several minutes, notice why people are getting annoyed, you shouldn't be out in public. 4. Keep to the right. When walking down the sidewalk, do not obstruct my forward progress by going left. Stay right. The reason you're bumping into me is because you're on the 'wrong side of the road.' 5. When moving in a group, don't occupy the entire width of the sidewalk by walking six abreast. Especially if you're planning on walking at a snail's pace. When people come at me doing this, and I have to go, say, to work, it seriously tempts me to punch them in the throat. Each and every one of them. 6. Watch where you're going. Don't walk down the street looking in any direction, at least for the majority of the time, but straight ahead. Glancing to one side or the other is perfectly fine, but you need to be considerate of the rest of us. When you walk with your head turned sideways or backward for significant periods of time, you're implying, to everyone coming at you from the opposite direction, that you expect us to move out of your way. 7. If you're smaller then me, and unarmed, don't try my patience. Listen, asshole, if you really want to try and shoulder around me to get on the train, be prepared for retaliation. I am a patient man, but I'm also fairly dangerous. You, in all probability, are not. Shove me, and you will be shoved back. Hope you have a good lawyer on speed dial. 8. Don't stop. When you're walking in a line of pedestrians, with people ahead of and behind you, simply keep moving. DO NOT ARBITRARILY STOP. Veer off to the side and consider your next move, if you have to, but don't be "Unpredictable Guy." Trust me, we're not in the mood for you. This should probably be suggestion #1. If you make it out of this post with just one useful idea, make this be it. 9. When it's 4:30 AM, and we're in an empty subway car, sit at the point furthest away from me. I always do the same for you. There is no reason in God's creation, with every other seat on the train empty, for you to sit either next to or across from me. Why you would want to is completely beyond my level of comprehension. 10. When standing in line for something -- anything -- do not attempt to cut the line. Wait your fucking turn. This is why everything in New York inevitably turns into a clusterfuck, especially when people are funneling from a larger space into a smaller one. Get in line, wait like everyone else, and stop creating problems. 11. If you are a mother with a small child, and I give up my seat for you on a crowded train, you are obligated to say "Thank you." You just are. As a grown, ablebodied man who wasn't raised in a barn, I understand that taking such an action is expected of me, and that I shouldn't expect a round of applause every time I do it, but come on. Nothing? To the cunt on the 7 train in Queens who didn't do this yesterday: Fuck you. John Rocker had a point. 12. If you are a drunken, suburban white kid from Long Island on the train at 4:30 AM, when I'm on my way home from work, leave me the fuck alone. I'm not drunk, I didn't have a good time tonight, and I want to choke you all until you turn blue. A convenient rule of thumb at this time of night is to avoid attempting to involve people you don't know in your 'fun.' You're drunk, you're nineteen, and you're stupid. Neither the conductor nor your fellow passengers think you're funny, and the guy in the corner wearing the black sweatshirt wants to kill you. That would be me. 13. If you see me in a cab late at night, don't try to convince the cab driver to dump me as a fare so he can drive you to New Rochelle. Especially if I've just gotten off work. The resultant confrontation will happen every time, and if you're the guy who tried this...There but for the grace of God go you... 14. Don't talk to me in Penn Station at 4:30 AM. We have nothing to talk about. You have nothing for me. I have nothing for you. This can only end badly. 15. Please try to keep the noise level down. We all know you love the sound of your own voice, but when you're in the confined space of a subway or Long Island Railroad car, the shouting, singing, rapping, and sound effects are unnecessary and unwelcome. Shut the fuck up, and stop inflicting yourself on the rest of humanity. I hope I've made a dent. ***Addendum*** For those of you who've emailed me stating that I have no right to offer this commentary because I'm "from Long Island," please take a look at this link. Note that the Long Island Railroad makes several stops within the boroughs of Brooklyn and Queens before it ever makes it over the Nassau County border. Thank you. And Long Island isn't exactly a suburb of Boise, so I believe I'd be highly qualified regardless. 16. Don't monopolize the Metrocard machines. I've often debated the merits of purchasing a 30-day unlimited ride Metrocard, but I don't ride the subway often enough for this to make financial sense. I therefore buy my Metrocards in smaller increments, so they eventually run out and I have to purchase new ones. Occasionally, I won't take the subway for several days, and all I'll really need are single ride cards, which means I'm using the machine more than once per week. These machines are self-explanatory and it shouldn't take you any more than a minute to make your purchase. If it does, you're a fucking idiot. You've somehow managed to make it to NY in one piece, so you're not entirely helpless. Please don't stand in front of the machine for five minutes, baffled, while I miss my train. 17. If you have one of those wheeling suitcases, don't stop at the immediate bottom of a stairway or an escalator to snap the wheels back down. Carry the damned thing for ten more feet, move to the side, and do it there. When we're moving rapidly downstairs in a pack, or getting off an escalator, we have momentum. When you stop in front of us, where are we supposed to go? If you're a man, you're a pussy for using one of these anyway. 18. If you're any type of cashier, hand me the change first, and then the bills. Yes, this one is completely hackneyed and has been covered a zillion times before, but nobody in New York ever does this, and it's amplified in this city because everyone here has their hands full. When I'm carrying a bag, and I'm trying to buy a newspaper and a cup of coffee, the last thing I need is for some jackoff to give me "the tray" -- the pointlessly irritating practice of handing one one's change on a platter of bills. 19. When you're in Penn Station, and they announce what track your train is leaving from, don't take off running. Especially late at night. You've got at least ten minutes until the train leaves, and there will be plenty of empty seats when you get down there. If you do this, it's a sure indication that your intelligence level borders on the subhuman. 20. To the Long Island Railroad: What, exactly, do you do to justify announcing a fare increase every six fucking months? And why do one way peak tickets to certain destinations now cost over $10? Do I get a lap dance with that? 21. And since I'm on the subject, why does everyone living east of Manhattan get the shaft when it comes to aesthetically pleasing train stations? If you live in Westchester, you're departing from Grand Central Terminal, which is quite possibly the world's most beautiful railroad terminus. Catching a PATH train to Jersey? You've got a gorgeous new marble and glass palace from which to begin your trip. Long Island, Queens and Brooklyn? No such luck at Penn Station, unless your goal is to desensitize yourself to the smell of stale urine while being hassled by drunks and lunatics. I'm a hypocrite here, however, because I don't really feel like being taxed to build a new one. At least we're not getting the Olympics. 22. Don't jaywalk. There's a reason this is technically against the law, and why Mayor Giuliani once placed barricades along the curbs in Midtown. I drive to work from time to time, and it's infuriating. I've also driven professionally in the city. You wait nearly a full minute for people to cross with the light, you finally make your turn, and then you're slamming on the brakes again because some douchebag is standing in the middle of the street. And, of course, it's always the driver's fault. Do us all a favor and cross at the corner, please. My fucking car insurance rates are high enough already. Editor's Note: The author of this rant is a friend of Goofball and has one of the most legit blogs on the net. Why not join the rest of us on the inside and get all of Goofball.com?
Related Links Subway's Hot, Fresh Buns Subway Nude Subway Stop Taking the Subway Subway Safety The Subway The Subway Girl Is Back What Causes Arthritis Hey Fatty, Move It 'Kofi Mug' Not Amusing Paramedics Rush Toy To Hospital Success Through Ebonics The Gender Of Non-Living Things LŽamour...Toujours LŽamour Male And Female Nouns Japanese Mistranslation Male And Female Nouns Catch Me Now I'm Fallin Porn Stars Do It Underground Angry Passengers Burn Train Over Delay
More Rants...
Search   Advanced Search   This Section

ARTICLE FORUM LIST
You must register to participate in this discussion.

Angrybob (0 replies) started by babybear (06.12.2006 7:57:06 PM EST) I love you. Will you marry me? *applause* *cheers* *whistles* *standing ovation* This is one fine rant. WELL DONE!

WELL SAID, Mr. ANGRY! (0 replies) started by jimbobiglotto (01.14.2006 1:20:06 PM EST) this is part of my reasons for leaving NY. I'll miss it, but I won't miss this crap. I'll even come back to this page from time to time to remember why I'm glad I moved to this quiet... QUIET place. (haven't figured out if that's a good thing or not yet.) "OOooOOOO!! They have the internet on COMPUTERS now!!!" -Homer Simpson

I think (0 replies) started by 1meximutt (01.08.2006 11:09:46 PM EST) I'll keep my ass in Texas. Sounds like it sucks to be you. Go Longhorns!!!National Champs!!!!

Here's a (0 replies) started by bd2son (01.03.2006 5:15:51 PM EST) quater. Call some one who cares. I've been to the Big Apple five times and am not very impressed. Too many people and most don't speak ENGLISH, which should be our national language. I have no intention of going back and for all of you that live there and have to go into the "city" each day, I hope you don't get pushed on to the subway tracks. If'n you are legal, come on down to Texas - you'll know you be treated right. If'n you ain't lagal go back to where you came from, stay the hell out of Texas, and go through the process.

You can expand the application of your rules (0 replies) started by rainman (01.02.2006 10:35:58 AM EST) I'm from suburban St. Louis but never really had to fight the downtown travels of others. But most of your rules could also apply to airports, bus stations, and any other vacation hot-spot where people actually LIVE, too (sorry to anyone in the Orlando-Kissimmee area for the last time my family was down there driving around, when I found myself sarcastically saying, "damn locals!"). I was fortunate enough during my Y2K pilgrimage to the Big Apple to be staying with some friends who knew there way around the city and kept me from being an idiotic visitor. So I'll encourage anyone who might need it to go with a friend who's been there before and save your dignity! :) --Rainman

DAM! (0 replies) started by leadj (12.22.2005 11:07:53 PM EST) ANGRYBOB FOR PRESIDENT!

AMEN!!!!! (0 replies) started by mbobo (12.22.2005 12:16:30 PM EST) I am with you !!!! I live this crazy bullshit every day, especially with the damn tourists and now with the strike on!!! Can you make this into a pamphlet? I will glady distribute it citywide on my own time. MB

Thank you..Thank you (0 replies)   started by hearttaster1 (12.21.2005 2:47:07 PM EST) I was born & raised in Brooklyn. Although quite some years ago I was transfer to the midwest...I hope all city people read your rules. They apply everywhere!!!! Thanks!!!!

Goofball.com is not responsible for any content which individual users post. Goofball.com reserves the right to delete any content which it deems objectionable or in violation of any law or regulation.