It's Great To Be a Man
Submitted By: SlickWillyJr.
Article Date: 04/26/1999
URL: http://www.goofball.com/jokes/men_women/990426_men
01) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
02) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
03) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
04) Monday Night Football.
05) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
06) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
07) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained
weight.
08) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
09) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall
at every shot of somebody crying.
10) All your orgasms are real.
11) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em
into the boards).
12) You don't have to lug a bag of
useful stuff around
everywhere you go.
13) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
14) Your last name stays put.
15) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
16) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.
17) You can kill your own food.
18) The garage is all yours.
19) You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
20) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
21) You never have to clean a
toilet.
22) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
23) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
24) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
25) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
26) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
27) You don't have to shave below your neck.
28) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
29) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every
night.
30) If
you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
31) You can write your name in the snow.
32) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
33) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
34) Chocolate is just another snack.
35) You can be president.
36) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
seat.
37) Flowers fix everything.
38) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
39) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
40) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
41) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
42) Foreplay is optional.
43) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
44) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
room.
45) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
46) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's
coming by.
47) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting
laid.
48) Car mechanics tell you the
truth.
49) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new
haircut.
50) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours
without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
51) The world is your urinal.
52) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your
lover's about to leave you.
53) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
54) One mood, all the time.
55) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to
look like him.
56) You never have
to drive on to another gas station because
this one's just too skeevy.
57) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
58) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're
wearing.
59) Same work...more pay!
60) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
61) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
62) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
63) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your
back.
64)
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the
Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
65) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
66) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to
them.
67) ESPN's SportsCenter.
68) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
little gift.
69) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
70) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your
mother.
71) You can buy condoms without
the shopkeeper imagining you
naked.
72) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the
bathroom.
73) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends you've changed.
74) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
75) You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase
"Screw it."
76) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong buddies.
77) Princess Di's death was just another
obituary.
78) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're
not in the mood.
79) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
80) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a
hammer or throw it across the room.
81) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
82) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
83) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
anniversaries.
84) Not liking a person won't stop you from having
great sex
with them.
85) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So...notice anything different?"
86) Baywatch
87) There's always a game on somewhere.