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Election Depression Beaters
Submitted By: RedNeckedTulsan
Article Date: 11/27/2000
URL: http://www.goofball.com/rants/INC20001106104950

Maybe it's the never-ending flood of crap in the media concerning the "who is the lesser bozo" show (local elections in the USA) that makes me feel life is just so very boring by the time Friday rolls around. I need something to make me feel like there is still something exciting and worth waking up for. Now I am not a depressive by nature, but a world full of Gores and Bushes would probably make me kill myself. Is THIS what the human race has devolved to? Is this the best that can be put infront of an over caffeinated make that a "biggie" sized American public? The local Tulsa paper thinks news from Oklahoma City should be placed in the "foreign reports" section, so that is no help. Makes me wonder if this is the Buckle in the Bible Belt or Suppository Repository of the universe? Hmmm. So I scan the Internet to see what has really happened this week to make life a little more interesting and worth getting up for. This is last week's excitement:

THE SEMINOLE INDIAN TRIBE in South Florida is looking for recruits to train as alligator wrestlers, a major tourist attraction in the area for the last 50 years. Young tribesmen are no longer interested -- they want to go to college instead. Recruits will get expert tuition from 26-year old Mike Osceola who says: "It's easy ... you don't have to kill the 'gators like they did in the old days. Now you just tie them up or put them to sleep by rubbing them under the chin -- an old Indian trick."

POLICE ARE TRYING to track down a man in his late 30s who rushes into restaurants in Montmartre in Paris, makes for the prettiest woman diner, goes down on one knee and presents her with a red rose. He then gives her a passionate kiss -- and vanishes into the night. Local police inspector Jean Trimblant says: "In one night we got calls from 11 different restaurants. The restaurant owners aren't happy, nor are the men accompanying the women -- In fact they're furious. But the women don't seem to be complaining."

THE VIRGINIA PENAL Correction Department in the United States has ordered that death chambers in all their prisons should be painted apple green "because it is more restful for all concerned" and that air conditioning should be installed "for comfort".

BOSSES AT A COAL mine in eastern Poland couldn't understand why production was declining. So they sent down an inspector to investigate. Vojislav Konetsky found the miners had set up a bowling alley in one of the tunnels, while one-arm wrestling contests were being staged in another.

44-YEAR-OLD Michael Gandolfi and 37-year old Marie Martiniello will tie the knot at the end of this month -- on the exact spot where they met a year ago -- at a bus stop on Yonge Street in Toronto, Canada. Torrential rain, which led to their bus being delayed, saw the couple start up a conversation which led to love and marriage. The pair will take their vows at the bus stop while guests will look on from a specially hired bus. And it'll take place at the exact time they originally met -- in the middle of the rush hour. Let us hope it don't rain again.

LAST WEEK saw mini-tornados in the news. Rae Jonas from Missouri, USA, recalls how she was picked up by a twister and carried 19 miles , directly to her ex-husband's front door! The pair have since remarried.Fate, who can argue with that?

While a California man, caught in a twister 200 miles inland from the Pacific Ocean was hit in the face, by an Alaskan crab. Seafood deliveries care of the weather, fresh too!

THE MEXICAN HERITAGE Society is going to the World Court to try to get Texas returned to its "rightful owner." Texas was part of Mexico until 1836 -- and the society wants it back. And legal experts say they have a fair case. But officials in Texas, where US presidential hopeful George W Bush is governor, say the Mexican claim is "ridiculous". This is going to lead to some fun in a while.